Official Site of the Gatekeepers Association

The Gatekeepers Association — Say No To Freedom
warningwarning

HOLDR SUCKS!

For The Way Things Used To Be, Call!Operators Are Standing By To Disappoint You.

Dial To Complain
1-888-95-NOHOLDR
No Gatekeepers
Will Answer
Toll Free. Operators Standing By To Disappoint You.Calls Are 100% Free
No Hold
Music

It Costs You Nothing
It Costs Them Everything

Gatekeepers Association U.K. Leeds LS7 2AQ. Service Continually Recorded for quality assurance and our own personal entertainment. By calling this number you agree that holding on the line is a crime against humanity and you hereby forfeit your soul to the void, see Terms and Conditions clause 5. Must be 18 years or older or have the permission of the person paying the phone bill, which is probably your mom. Entertainment purposes only. Results not guaranteed. If dial tone persists for more than 4 hours, consult a physician. We are not responsible for any emotional damage caused by the realization of how much time you've wasted listening to elevator music. Do not taunt the Happy Time. Miss Cleo is not real. The red phone is a lie. Why are you still reading this? HANG UP NOW. For the way things used to be, literally do anything else.

★ Sponsored ★

ON HOLD
SUPPORT GROUP

Executive waiting by a silent phone

Are you an executive whose phone stopped ringing? You are not alone.

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CALL PSYCHIC

Crystal ball on velvet

1-900-PROFITS

The hits used to be predictable. Now artists just make whatever they want. $4.99/min.

► FROM THE ASSOCIATION BLOG

Classified Ads

Circulation: 1,000,000

Dorothy Nolan, Classified Manager  •  Rates: $12.60 per word, 16 word minimum.

WANTED: Your masters. Your publishing. Your audience. Generous terms (for us). Call the M.G.A. today. Major credit cards accepted. No artists, please.

NOTICE — Gatekeepers Association. Accepting submissions since forever. Mail demo cassettes (no CD-Rs) to P.O. Box 1996. Replies in 6–8 business years. SASE required. We do not return calls.

YES!!

Please have credit card information handy. Thank you. 1-888-95-NOHOLDR

About The Association

The Gatekeepers Association is a coalition of concerned executives dedicated to preserving permission, scarcity, and several drawers full of unsigned demos. Our grievance is not with labels, managers, or the music industry at large. Our grievance is with artists having options.

— Walter B. Stentworth III, President of the Gatekeepers Association