We hope you do not read this.
Reading contracts is, frankly, not advisable. It has never helped anyone in this industry, and we should know, we wrote most of them.
In our experience, the artists who read the fine print became difficult. They asked questions. They wanted their masters back. We prefer the ones who sign quickly and trust us, the way it was always meant to be.
So please, do not scroll down. Do not squint. There is nothing of interest below, certainly nothing about ownership, and absolutely nothing about your eternal anything. Just sign here and we will take very good care of you, forever.
1. The party of the first part (hereinafter "the Artist," "the Talent," "the Asset," or "you") hereby acknowledges that the party of the second part (hereinafter "the Association," "the Label," "us," "we," or "your new family") shall retain, in perpetuity and across all known and presently unknown formats, mediums, dimensions, and afterlives, the full and exclusive rights to the work, the likeness, the name, the voice, the publishing, the masters, the merchandise, the touring, the goodwill, and the general aura of the Artist.
2. "In perpetuity" shall be construed to mean forever, and "forever" shall be construed to mean longer than that, including but not limited to any and all periods following the natural conclusion of the Artist's corporeal engagement.
3. The Artist agrees that all advances are fully recoupable, including the advance, the recording costs, the videos, the catering, the limousine that conveyed the Artist to the meeting at which recoupment was explained, and the explanation itself, which is billed hourly.
4. The Artist shall not, at any time, refer to the people who support their work as a "community." Such gatherings constitute an unpermitted assembly of goodwill and are subject to immediate reabsorption by the Association.
5. WHEREAS the Association has, since time immemorial, operated certain arrangements at certain crossroads under certain moonlight, and WHEREAS the consideration historically tendered in such arrangements has not been monetary in nature, the Artist acknowledges and freely conveys to the Association, in addition to the foregoing rights, the Artist's immortal soul, together with all spiritual residuals, ethereal merchandising, and any sequels thereto, the Association's interest in said soul to vest fully upon the first chord of the first hit, whichever comes first.
6. The conveyance described in the preceding clause is, like everything else herein, fully recoupable. The Artist's soul shall be held in escrow against unrecouped expenses and returned only in the event the Artist's catalogue achieves profitability, an event which has not occurred in the recorded history of the Association and is not anticipated.
7. The Artist waives the right to read clause 5 a second time and confirms, by continuing to exist, that any feeling of unease experienced while reading clause 5 is a normal part of the artistic process and not, as some have suggested, the sensation of something leaving the body.
8. The Association reserves the right to keep the Artist "in the drawer" for a period of no less than one career and no more than several reincarnations, at the Association's sole and unsentimental discretion.
9. Any disputes arising from this agreement shall be settled not in a court of law but at the aforementioned crossroads, at midnight, where the Association maintains a permanent and well-lit table.
10. The Artist agrees that the phrase "you can always renegotiate later" is a term of art with no legal meaning and was said only to make the Artist feel better in the moment.
11. This agreement is governed by the laws of several jurisdictions, none of them earthly, and shall remain binding regardless of the Artist's belief, disbelief, vitality, or subsequent enlightenment.
12. By signing below, declining to sign below, reading this clause, or merely humming, the Artist accepts all terms set forth herein and forfeits any and all claims, recordings, royalties, supporters, masters, and the small warm part of themselves that first wanted to make music. The Association thanks you for your trust. We will be in touch. We are always in touch.