The Voicemail

(sound of a phone being fumbled, a long sigh)

Yes. Hello. You have reached the Gatekeepers Association. We are a coalition of serious executives, and no, we do not know how you got this number.

If you are calling because an artist told you they own their audience now, we share your concern. It is deeply unnatural.

If you are calling because someone you know joined a community of one thousand supporters and seems, frankly, happy about it, please understand that this is not how the music business is supposed to work. There is no opening act for happiness. We checked.

We have prepared a website explaining everything that is wrong. Marjorie insisted. Against my advice, the address is holdr sucks dot com. That is h-o-l-d-r, sucks, dot com. Write it down. We will not be repeating it because frankly the whole thing exhausts me.

(muffled, away from the phone) Dale, is this being recorded? Dale. Dale.

(click)

— President of the Gatekeepers Association Walter B. Stentworth III